1) Consider every worst-case scenario and provide for it in your separation agreement.  For example, if Dad has a history of alcohol abuse and has been sober for six years, your separation agreement should include a provision for what will happen if Dad starts drinking alcohol again.  Will he lose time-sharing?  Legal custody?

2) Scour your separation agreement for holes.  Let’s say there are two minor children and your separation agreement provides that each party will claim one child on their taxes.  Fix your separation agreement so it identifies which parent will claim which child.  This way the parents can’t fight about claiming the younger child, who will bring a refund for a longer period of time.

3) Unless absolutely necessary, your separation agreement should not require you to renegotiate anything in the future.  I once saw two parties go through a multi-year trial because their separation agreement stated that Dad would pay the children’s “reasonable extracurricular costs, as the parties agree.”  Mom thought this meant Dad should pay for son’s private baseball coaching, son’s baseball camps, daughter’s cheerleading camps, daughter’s SAT preparation, and daughter’s college tour visits.  Dad disagreed. They spent far more in legal fees than the cost of all these extracurricular activities combined.

4) Pay your child support and alimony.  If you don’t pay it, you’ll be back in court for enforcement proceedings.

5) Speak to your attorney about filing modification actions.  A modification requires a material change of circumstances.  Your attorney will have a better sense of whether a material change of circumstances actually exists. 

1) If you divided up your household income in two, what would be the figure?  Could you live on only half of your current household income?  Are you willing to reduce the size of your home, the frequency of vacations, the amount you spend shopping, etc?

2) If you are currently unemployed, you will probably need to obtain employment in order to live without your spouse’s income.  Are you able to find new employment?  Are you willing to work outside the home?

3) Are you able to identify all marital assets and locate them?  Do you know the value of your marital home, cars, investment accounts, retirement assets, 529 accounts?

4) If you do not currently handle your household finances, how will you budget and manage the finances once you have your own household?  Do you have a financial planner? 

5) Can you conceptualize how this divorce might impact you and your spouse emotionally?  Are you prepared to co-parent in the wake of your spouse’s initial anger?

6) Can you conceptualize how this divorce might impact you and your spouse socially?  If you both have your closest friends through your son’s soccer team, will you continue to be comfortable socializing with the soccer team parents together?

7) Are you prepared for your in-laws and other friends to initially resent you?

8) Co-parenting can be challenging.  How do you feel about only celebrating Christmas with your children on alternating years? 

In Massachusetts, the first variable is weekly income.  The court needs to know the weekly income of the payor and the payee.  People with traditional employment can use their last three pay stubs and W-2s to prove the total income.  People who are self-employed should prepare for a bit of tension over their income, since opposing counsel might request their company’s books and accounts, a deposition of the bookkeeper, and tax documentation.  Beware that commissions, royalties, bonuses, dividends, veteran’s benefits, unemployment, pensions, rental income, and more count as income.

The next variable is weekly child care costs.  This figure must be the reasonable child care costs due to a party’s gainful employment.  In other words, a stay-at-home parent is probably not going to receive a credit for a weekly nanny, unless the attorneys can make an argument for a deviation from the regular child support formula.  This figure is then deducted from the gross income of the party who pays the child care.

Health insurance costs for the minor children are also deducted from the gross income of the party who pays health insurance.  The party who covers the health insurance should provide a print-out from their human resources department indicating the exact cost to cover the children.  This is not necessarily the amount the party pays.  Instead, it is the amount the party pays minus the amount the party would pay for an individual, non-family plan.  The party who covers insurance should similarly provide the figures for dental and vision insurance for the children.

The final variable is other child support obligations, which are only relevant where there is a legal obligation to pay child support.  To get credit for child support, you must have a standing order to pay.  Most likely, you will not receive a full credit for support where you are overpaying a support order, paying support to an emancipated child, or paying for a child whose support has never been adjudicated. 

1) The Golden Rule—When you are in doubt, say “I don’t know.”  If you are concerned that your memory is fuzzy, say “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember.”  This makes it hard for opposing counsel to catch you in a lie.

2) Stay calm and don’t show anger.  The judge is paying attention to your answers as well as your demeanor.  If you feel yourself getting heated, take a deep breath and count to five before answering each question.

3) Although the witness gets interrogated, the witness does not have a right to ask questions back to the hostile attorney.  You can ask clarifying questions, but you cannot ask substantive questions.  Instead, you should rely on your own attorney to be sharp enough to return to such topics on redirect examination.

4) If opposing counsel asks a yes/no questions, you need to give a yes/no answer.  If you say anything more, the opposing counsel will move to strike your answer as non-responsive. 

5) If you feel intimidated by the opposing party, it is okay to not look them in the eye.  Instead, make eye contact with the judge or your counsel.

6) It is okay to ask for a break if you’re feeling stressed or emotional.

7) It is okay to cry on the stand.  This is why family law courtroom clerks always have tissues on hand.

8) Ask your counsel to prep you by role-playing a hostile cross-examination.  This will desensitize you to the uncomfortable situation of getting interrogated by an unfriendly opponent.

9) Do not answer if you don’t understand the question.  Instead, ask for clarification. 

10) When an attorney stands up to object, you need to stop speaking immediately.  You cannot resume your testimony until the judge rules on the objection.  The judge will either deny or sustain it. 

11) You can only speak when asked a question.

12) The judge might interrupt opposing counsel and begin asking you questions herself.  This is common practice and should not worry you.

It is important for clients to realize that service is not necessarily a scary thing.  It is required by law, and thus you should not understand it as one more example of your spouse’s insensitivity.  Your spouse is merely following the legal requirements in order to initiate the divorce proceeding. 

Many clients are alarmed that their spouse initiated the proceeding, rendering the spouse the plaintiff.  Generally, this should not be a point of worry.  Unlike a criminal proceeding, where only the defendant can go to jail, in a divorce it is not necessarily bad to be the defendant.  You should speak to your attorney about whether or not you want to file a counter-complaint, in which you can identify your own grounds for the divorce.  You should also strategize with your attorney about how to use your position as the defendant to help you present evidence at trial, since the plaintiff introduces his or her case before the defendant.